Healing Pain through Conversation
Simple Checklist
The longer we practice the less we do and the more we sit and listen.
Healing persistent pain conditions requires this exquisite life skill.
It is transformative and can with great practice, change worlds. It has changed mine continuously.
Here are some ideas to continuing into you Wise Practice
Set the intention with no expectation for the outcome in your next encounter.
Face the person directly, with no other distractions or interruptions
Have no agenda
Place yourself firmly in the middle of their story
Paraphrase/mirror/reflect the words back with a salient and accurate emotion that may be hidden in the conversation.
Acknowledge moments of importance by connecting non verbal behaviors and intonations of support.
Attend greatly and prn to the stories and distracted conversation in your head and focus back like a laser beam to the other.
Let Silence be a salve. Get comfortable with Silence without a need to sooth or reach for a box of tissues, etc. Stay available and open without words.
Make a healthy return in the conversation if there is a wandering mind occurring. It happens. The key is to acknowledge it, apologize and ask for what was said if the trail of the story was lost. It happens to all of us.
Resource yourself and review how it went well and where focus on facility is needed. Get help from a confidant one who has more experience when stuck on how to connect better in conversation
Setting the Intention
Take a look at your physical space.
Is it organized, clean an uncluttered?
Is your artwork hung straight?
Is the environment inviting and connotes a sense of Belonging? a sense of calm. A health vibe.
Are your tools neatly arranged, whether in cabinets, drawers or countertops?
How is the lighting in the space? If you have music is it ambient, gentle and soothing? ( Thinking parasympathetic tone)
Face the Person Directly
Regardless of computing “Facing” while listening is part of the practice.
There is nothing more important and informative than being completely open to information flow, physically.
So Square Up. Sit at or below the patient line. eg If they sit on my table they are just a little higher than I. It gives them a platform.
Keep your face soft and your breathing slow and rhythmic and your body open.
Use a note pad to jot down salient information in their story for later inputting into the electronic chart.
Remain open and keep your eyes on the pupils of their eyes. When speaking to them maintain this contact without fail.
Have no Agenda
Be a blank tabularasa. Let them lead the conversation.
When they find themselves at a sticking point, Offer some possibilities to open the conversation further:
“Tell me more about that.”
Or
“How does that make you feel?”
Or
“What is coming up for you now?”
Place Yourself Firmly in the Middle of Their Story
This is a tenet of being present in the presence of an unfolding story of another.
This is genuine listening and care provided through the felt sense of the story we begin to understand through their experience.
It is a deep experience in empathetic relationship building.
Paraphrase/Mirror/Reflect
Having an Unconditional Positive Regard for Another is the hallmark of genuine listening encounters. This is Carl Rogers work of client centered relationship, a Humanistic approach to connection and healing.
Repeat their words either verbatim and/or with synonyms to reflect another way of understanding.
Always connect a “feeling” word to the end such as: I imagine you must feel sad, frustrated, happy, etc. when that occurred?
Acknowledge Moments of Importance in their Story
Listening for the repeating subject matter. The same or similar words to describe a feeling, emotion, or time.
Often when talking about harsh or traumatic moments there can be many divergent thoughts, though there is an underpinning of same feelings and or subjects in the story..
If it is being repeated then when they are finished. Go directly there.
This is called Sorting the personal mail in the appropriate slots.
The one that gets the most is the one that needs importance.
Attend greatly and prn to the stories and our own distracted inner conversation
There is a rule I was taught by Rachel Remen, MD. To be a genuine listener one needs to know the 80/20 rule in listening.
80% attendance to your own thoughts and 20% attendance to the speaker.
Meaning, keep your inner voice on mute. This may require alot of tuning into this at the beginnings of this work. It gets easier as time and experience goes on.
Let Silence Be the Salve
There are moments when words stop.
Create silence and allow for more from the other.
It is like a deep breath in the mind that awakens trust .
When these spaces are not filled with more words or movements away from attendance to the conversation it breaks the bond of resistance to express one self, to contemplate and the potential for a greater reveal.
Often it is here that the words following may be the story to which they had not yet revealed to the world and to themselves.
Silence creates a pathway into Peace
Silence is sacred.
Silence is Profane.
Make a Healthy Return in Conversation
Sometimes we lose the 80/20 rule and we wander to our check list of to dos or the next patient encounter, etc…
When we miss a piece, don’t always feign being present. Acknowledge it and if truly unaware or lost. Stop them gently and apologize for the lapse and ask for a re telling again. and stay connected. “I am sorry but I did not hear what you had said can you repeat that.”
Resource, Review and Reconnect
One of the many opportunities we often overlook because of time is to review our day, our encounters and see what went well and where we can make change.
Sometimes we don’t have all the tools or the sight to fully understand. However our body does so well. It informs us by sensation. We feel tight in our minds eye or physically in our body.
Ask for counsel, from colleagues, and mentors.
Use reference reading in as many domains to connect the whole from the disparate.
It may lend ease downstream in the practice.
Great article Terry! Appreciate this reminder on the importance of listening and holding space to better connect with our patients.
I’m going to set my intention to practice these things today!